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To Tell the Truth

Do you remember that classic TV game show “To Tell the Truth?”  It was one of the longest running game shows ever, airing shows in every season for 45 years.

The premise was that four celebrity judges would try to guess which of the three contestants was the genuine character being described in an unusual and unique life story read out loud by the host.  All contestants introduced themselves by the name of the true character.  The two “imposter” contestants could lie with their answers, the true character had to tell the truth in every answer.  After questioning each contestant, the judges would vote.  The host would then say those famous words, “Will the real [name of the character] please stand up.”

I used to love watching the show, trying to guess which was the real character.  I sometimes got it right.  But often I was completely surprised.  And I’ve never forgotten the host’s line at the end of the vote:  Will the real ________ please stand up.”

So what was the appeal to such a simple game show?  The drama of trying to figure out who was who?  Deception?  Humor?  Seeing judges voting?  Unusual life stories?  A competition of winning and losing?

Probably all of the above.  But I think there was also something else at play.  We are drawn to that which is true, to people who are able to stand up and truly be themselves.  We call this Authenticity.

Defining Authenticity

I’m inspired by the way Brene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, defines Authenticity:

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”  (p. 50)

The “letting go” of this ideal self we think we’re supposed to be (and even that can change depending on which environment we’re in at any given time) is really hard.  Isn’t it?  Why?

Why Living Authentically is So Difficult

Our external culture.  We live in a world that strongly encourages, sometimes even demands, that we fit in, don’t stand out too much, conform to accepted expectations and standards.  Though our country was founded on individuality and the pioneering spirit, our culture has strong ways of limiting all of that.

We’re raised to acquiesce to authority—the authority of parents, adults, institutions, people who know more than we do, power, position, status.  We’re taught not to trust ourselves or our gut instincts or to look too deeply inside ourselves.  All true authority is outside ourselves, we’re told.

No wonder we have in our culture an authenticity challenge.

Our internal Culture.  Compounding this cultural squeeze is the truth that inside ourselves we often have another battle raging.  It’s a self-esteem and self-worth issue.  So that whenever we feel shame or unworthiness or guilt that creates self-doubt, we can quickly and easily sell ourselves out and say, “I can be anybody you need me to be.  Watch me!”

So we can allow our self-identity to shift with the winds and tides of our surrounding people—whatever it takes to please them or get their approval so we can feel good about ourselves.

We definitely have an authenticity challenge these days.

So how do we learn to choose authenticity more and more in our daily lives—to choose to be our real Selves in every context, living out the fullest and most confident expression of our true Selves?

Three Steps to Choosing Authenticity

Notice the three actions described in Dr. Brown’s definition of Authenticity:

• Daily practicing

It’s unrealistic to think that all of a sudden, one day we can simply declare, “Okay, I’m perfectly authentic now.  I’m good to go.”

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It’s about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true Selves be seen.”  (p. 49)

When you consider that we are making this choice against everything that we’ve established through the course of life as being “true” about ourselves and what’s really important—pleasing others at our own expense, living up to everyone else’s expectations, letting every situation determine how “real” we should be, hiding behind masks, or trying hard to be someone we’re really not—it’s no wonder authenticity is a daily, even moment by moment, choice.  We have to practice it regularly.  We have to develop a new normal.

Authenticity is a process of becoming—a journey into being more fully genuinely ourselves.  So our practice demands:  “In this moment, faced with a choice of how I’ll show up in this situation, I choose authenticity.  In this moment, I choose to be real and genuine and honest.  I will not hide myself.  In this moment, I will not let fear of what others might say or think dictate how I show up.  I choose to let my Self be expressed.  In this moment, I will be Me to the best of my knowledge and ability and in a spirit of respect, love, and compassion.”

• Letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be

We have to stop living our lives based on other people’s expectations and standards.  We need to respect and honor their choices.  But we don’t have to emulate them.  We are each unique individuals.  We have to let our masks go.  We have to let go of our attempts to squeeze into someone else’s mold.  We have to let go of our obsession with pleasing and seeking approval in order for us to feel good about ourselves.

For a trapeze artist to let go of the trapeze and fly through nothing but empty air takes courage.  It’s scary and even risky.

So is letting go of false identities—especially if we’ve lived them for a long time.  We end up flying through uncertainty, even at times lack of clarity about who we are.  We risk rejection and lack of acceptance.  People close to us might actually like us the way we’ve been.  We might “fail” at being Ourselves.  Yes, it takes courage to let go.

But we can’t grab a hold of the true identity (the other trapeze bar) without letting go of the false.

• Embracing who we really are

Think of a time when you felt really true to yourself, when you felt completely safe, loved, accepted, honest, when you felt really strong and energized.  What was happening?  How were you showing up?

Chances are you were actually being your true Self.  That’s what you have to embrace and grab a hold of.  That’s the new trapeze bar you’ve been flying through space to catch.

That story you remember is a snapshot of your Authenticity.  Remember it.  Relish it.  Visualize it again and again.  Those powerful positive memories will give you courage to choose Authenticity again and again.  Embrace who you really are.

Embrace vulnerability.  Let go of the need for perfection, even in trying to be You.  Give yourself permission to fail, to make mistakes, to not do it really well every single time you embrace You.  That’s okay.  You’re on the journey of Authenticity.

Embrace compassion for your Self and for others.  Remember that you are made of both strength and struggle, as Brene Brown puts it.

Embrace the truth that you, as your true Self, are always enough!

Embrace that your greatest gift to the world—to everyone around you—the gift that God has given you and you alone, is You.  No one else is or can be You.  Stand in your Truth and that truth will set you and everyone around you free.  Only Authenticity gives freedom.  Don’t deprive the world of your Authentic You.

So next time, when the situation arises and says, “Will the real You please stand up,” jump to your feet, hold your head high, and with joy reply, “Here I am, you lucky people!”   And the rest of us will the better because of it.  So will You.

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E.E. Cummings once wrote, “To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight—and never stop fighting.”

Wow! That statement really hits me deeply because I know that to be true in my life experience. There’s a reason so many people don’t go on the search for their authentic self—because it’s so hard, sometimes even painful, definitely difficult. You’re often battling against your own powerful limiting beliefs, against other people’s expectations of and choices for you. It’s easier to deny that nagging thought that we might not really be living our authentic selves.

No wonder it often takes a crisis to shake us off our pedestal, forcing us to go on the search for authenticity. When we choose to push against the system of our own beliefs and others’ expectations, the system pushes back. You’ve felt that, haven’t you? The systems in our lives use shame, guilt, religious dogmas (which in essence is using the “God” card—”you’re going against God’s will for you!”). We’re told we’re being selfish and narcissistic, thinking only of ourselves. “You just need to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. After all, didn’t Jesus say, ‘Take up your cross and follow me?’ Remember, life isn’t just about you.”  Those messages are deeply personal and painfully powerful to go up against.

Talk about strong push back. It always happens when you choose to practice authenticity, stepping into the full expression of your true self.

I remember walking the streets, sometimes in the middle of the night, wrestling and struggling with the implications of my choice to live my life rather than the life so many others I looked up to were telling me I was obligated to live. I felt so alone. The weight of the world burdened me down, sometimes even literally, as I felt the loss of so much I had valued in the past. The push back on every level was intense.

But little by little I began to realize that the alternative was even more potentially damaging. Even medical experts these days are recognizing this truth. Here’s the way Dr. Brene Brown states it, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are:

“If you’re like me, practicing authenticity can feel like a daunting choice—there’s risk involved in putting your true self out in the world. But I believe there’s even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness. I think we should be born with a warning label similar to the ones that come on cigarette packages: Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” (p. 53)

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think we should be just isn’t worth it. There might be some short term pay offs (like superficial and conditional acceptance, affirmation, kudos). But the long term damage, as she points out, are brutal.

So what do you do when you’re experiencing the Big Push Back? Brene Brown says she repeats three simply phrases to herself:

Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.

That’s right. Your true Self is sacred ground. It’s who God sees you to be and believes for you.

That’s why Jesus, when the Devil tempted him to doubt his true Self, refused … three times in a row … in the middle of the hot desert … when he was at his tiredest, hungriest, weakest.

“I don’t need to do anything to prove myself to you, Devil, or to please anyone else’s expectations for me. I know my truth because it came straight from the mouth of God when He told me, “You are my Beloved Son; I believe in you; I’m proud of you! Period!”

So next time you’re feeling the Big Push Back, whether from your own inner doubts or other people or powerful institutions, remember to do three things:

Don’t shrink! Don’t puff up! Stand on your Sacred Ground!

And when you do, remember you’re in good company. Even Jesus did that.

So here’s to choosing authenticity. Here’s to fighting the good fight. Here’s to all the health and well being that come from standing in your truth.

And if you need some support to do this, write me (greg@gregorypnelson.com) and I’ll suggest some ways I can be helpful.  GregoryPNelson.com

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I read an insightful article in the Harvard Business Review last year by Kare Anderson, co-founder of the Say It Better Center and  a best-selling author.  The title was “What Captures Your Attention Controls Your Life.”  She makes this statement:

“Whatever we focus upon actually wires our neurons. For example, pessimistic people see setbacks and unhappy events as Personal (It’s worst for me), Pervasive (Everything is now worse) and Permanent (It will always be this way) according to Learned Optimism author Marty Seligman. Yet, with practice, he found that we can learn to focus more attention on the positive possibilities in situations to then craft a redemptive narrative of our life story. Consciously changing what you pay attention to can rewire your brain from a negative orientation to a positive one. ‘Attention shapes the brain,’ as Rick Hanson says in Buddha’s Brain.”

Analyzing Your Words, Phrases, and Thoughts

Have you ever spent some time analyzing what you focus your attention upon?  It would be fairly enlightening to us, I’m sure, if we had someone follow us around all week long, taking notes of everything we said out loud.  What would those notes say about our primary focus and orientation?  Kind of a scary thought, isn’t it!

Every once in a while, my wife Shasta will inform me that she hears me use certain phrases a lot, often on the negative side.  One of them used to be, “This is overwhelming!”

As I thought about my use of that phrase, I could see that my focus typically was negative, pessimistic.  Every time I used those words I was telling myself that my situation was beyond my capability to navigate well.  I was a victim to my circumstances.  It was beyond me to push through the obstacles.  In effect, I was wiring my brain to see weakness and inability and scarcity.  So because my brain was getting this message, it was sending that message to the rest of my body and I would always start feeling a physiological sag, too.  Body follows spirit.

Whatever we focus upon does wire our neurons.  Anderson’s point is well made:  Consciously changing what you pay attention to can rewire your brain for good.  And that always impacts your whole body, as well.

Emphasizing Your Strengths Instead of Weaknesses

This is one of the reasons I love doing strengths coaching.  The emphasis on strengths instead of weaknesses is very empowering.

The father of strengths psychology, Donald Clifton, began his ground-breaking work by choosing to change the question psychologists were asking about people.  Instead of asking the question, “What’s wrong with people?” he challenged that exclusive focus by asking, “What’s right with people?”  He said,

“What would happen if we focused not on pathology but on strengths, studying how people are strong, what do they do that makes them feel energized, in the zone, competent, and more fulfilled?”

With this focus, we don’t ignore weaknesses.  We don’t pretend they don’t exist.  We acknowledge that every strength has a shadow side that must be brought into the light and managed.  But our primary focus is on what makes us strong, our innately wired strengths and themes and talents.  Focusing on that reality creates an almost limitless possibility for growth, powerful change, and life transformation.

As Anderson pointed out, attention shapes our brain.  So choosing to be intentional about what we’re focusing on in our lives will make a huge difference in the quality and outcomes of our lives.

Developing Your Conscious Competence

So take a few minutes to ask yourself these five questions and jot down some responses:

• What do my spoken words say about where I’m often placing my focus?
• How can I reframe my words/phrases to shape a more positive focus?
• What thoughts tend to captivate my internal attention?  Are they primarily negative or positive?
• Am I a strength-oriented person or a weakness-focused person?
• Do I know what my top strengths are?  And if so, how much focus do I put on them, how much intentionality in leveraging and using them more and more?  What are specific ways I can step into those strengths more often and more deeply?

Answering questions like these develop what I call “conscious competence.”  The more aware and enlightened you are about how you’re strong and what makes you strong, the greater your ability for competence and therefore for fulfillment and energy.  You can’t practice and develop what you don’t know you have.

So next time I’m tempted to droop my shoulders in despair and sigh, “This is overwhelming!” I’m going to say instead, “This appears difficult, but I’m strong and I can find a way through!”  It’s a good place to begin.  Followed by applying my strengths to finding a way through.  That’s a strong combination!

If you’d like some help going through this refocusing on strengths process, email me:  greg@flyagaincoaching.com.  It could be one of the more strategic decisions you make these days.

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I do a lot of coaching with individuals, groups, businesses, teams, churches around the issue of strengths (utilizing the results they get from taking the online StrengthsFinder).  What are your top strengths?  How are you using them?  What are the shadow sides of each of your strengths and how can you manage those shadow sides?  How can you use your strengths more intentionally, consciously, and competently?

How Strengths Work Increases Well-being

I love doing this strengths work with people because I’ve seen that when people tap into their strengths more deeply and consciously, their ability to live a more productive and fulfilling life at work, in relationships, and even in spirituality radically increases.  In fact, research shows that people who more often than not lead with their strengths are six times more meaningfully engaged in their life circumstances and they experience a three times higher sense of overall well being in life.

Who wouldn’t want those kind of odds?

I’m noticing more and more that when people begin this exploration, increasing their understanding of how they’re wired and what their innate talents are, they are in fact coming face to face with who they really are and who they are truly designed to be.  And that is a profoundly spiritual experience.

Why Strengths Work Is Spiritual

One of the descriptions of spirituality I appreciate is this:  “The intentional journey of becoming more whole, more fully alive, and more deeply human which results in authentic and meaningful connections with self, others, and the transcendent.”

The more in-tune we are with who we are, the more in alignment we are with how we are each designed and wired, the deeper and more authentic and meaningful our connections are to others and even to God.

One of the early Church fathers, Irenaeus, wrote,

“The glory of God is man fully alive.”

Think about that for a minute.  God’s glory is heightened and made more evident when people are living fully alive.  God’s glory is shown, not when we constrict our lives or other people’s live, not when we narrow our lives down, but rather when we expand our lives, when we increase our aliveness, when we alignment our lives to who we were made to be and to learn to live that way with more abandon and confidence and courage.

And that’s exactly what happens when people tap into their strengths more consciously and competently.  They become more uniquely fully alive—they become more of their true selves, as God designed them.  Living out our strengths is one of the most significant ways we uniquely manifest the image of God in each one of us.

God is definitely not into the “cookie-cutter” approach to life.  All you have to do to see that is to open your eyes and behold—to pay attention and to notice—the profound and immense and rich diversity that exists in this world.

Some Strategic Strengths Questions I Use With Clients

I have the sacred privilege as a strengths coach to be a front-row witness to this wonderful diversity with every person and group I do this work with.  I always am in awe of how beautiful and unique every person is.  And that individual beauty I see only grows and deepens as people come to embrace their unique strengths profile and learn to live it more consciously and effectively day after day.

So here are some of the questions I assist people in exploring and processing about their strengths:

• How have you seen yourself using each of your top strengths?  Give specific examples.  Describe how you felt when you were engaged in that activity/behavior.
• What have you noticed is the shadow side of each strength?  What is your specific negative tendency with each strength at times?  For example, if your strength is Empathy, do you ever find yourself getting too emotionally involved in people?  Do you take on their feelings so deeply that you can’t seem to let them go, to separate yourself from their feelings, so you can begin to feel exhausted, burned out.  Their negative or painful feelings you start to take on yourself?  Give specific examples of how you have manifested the shadow side of your strengths.
• How have you noticed your strengths playing out in your relationships?  Give some specific examples.  For instance, if you have Adaptability, do you tend to wait until the last minute to plan an activity with your significant other?  Do you prefer not to structure or plan something but to let it come to you or simply go with the flow?  How does your strength(s) impact your significant relationship?
• What is the strengths profile of your significant relationship?  How do your top five individual strengths react together as a couple?  Where are you both strong?  How does that reveal itself in how your relationship shows up in the world?  What do people experience in the presence of your relational strengths profile?
• Develop some specific, tangible goals for how you can increase the use of each one of your top strengths in the major life areas:  work, relationships, spirituality.
• What are deficiencies in your strengths profile that you need to consider bringing other people with complementary strengths into your life?  How can you partner or collaborate with people who bring strengths you don’t have so you can be more productive and effective?

I typically go on a 12 session, 3 month journey with the people who want to really dig deep into putting their strengths to work in their lives.  And I can tell you, it’s a hugely rewarding, satisfying, transforming experience.  They all tell me how life changing it is.  And the more I do it, the more life changing it is for me, as well.

How Strengths Work Impacts Organizations and Congregations

I also do strengths work with congregations and other organizations.  Once people begin to understand the role their strengths can play in their personal lives, this new awareness carries over into their actions within the organizational mission.  When we take a look at which of everyone’s top strengths are most represented—based upon everyone’s test results—that corporate strengths profile delivers some astounding and powerful implications for how the whole group is designed to be at their strongest in the way they serve their constituents and communities.  Effective mission and productive service grow exponentially.  And people who serve in those groups experience a much higher level of engagement and fulfillment than ever before.

The Final Question is About Sacred Stewardship

So in the end of life—whatever your view about how that happens in terms of divine accountability for your life—what’s true is this:

God will not ask you why you weren’t more like someone else.  God’s only question to you will be, What did you do with what you were given?  Did you steward your Self as deeply, passionately, and faithfully as you could?  Were you your own true Self?

This is one of the reasons I think strengths work is so spiritually significant—and why I believe in knowing my strengths and using them as courageously and actively as I can.  It’s about being the only Me that really counts in the end; and the only Me that truly brings me fulfillment, purpose, and joy.

Want to Know More?

Would you like to know more about this process?   Feel free to email me:  greg@flyagaincoaching.com.  I’d be happy to give you more perspective.  Would you like to engage in strengths coaching with me?  Feel free to contact me:  greg@flyagaincoaching.com.

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I have to admit I’m getting tired of reading more articles arguing about the whole notion of choosing to be spiritual but not religious.  I’m not tired about the theme—because I happen to be one of those who believe in the genuineness of spirituality outside of religious institutions.  I work with people in this category all the time and continue to be impressed with their sincerity and passion to be spiritual and compassionate people.  And indeed they are.

So I’m tired of the pejorative tendency on the part of so many religious people to judge those who choose to remain unaffiliated or unattached to religious institutions but who still want to pay attention to their spirituality.

There was even a study that went viral stating that people who were spiritual but not religious had more mental illness than religious people.  “Aw, you see!  It’s unhealthy to be spiritual but not religious,” chortled the religion advocates.

Then I read some religious leaders’ attempts to bolster that study’s conclusions, stating dubious evidence that was suppose to support such a superficial and narrow judgment.  “Enough’s enough,” I said silently to them.  “It’s time to get over it!”  There are simply different legitimate ways to building one’s spirituality.

Church leaders, whose sole mission is to support and perpetuate organized religious institutions, speak out demonizing the SBNR (spiritual but not religious, which happens to be the fastest growing religious demographic in America right now).  SBNR adherents fight back, naturally so, arguing why they choose to be SBNR instead of religious affiliation.  Both sides consider the other irrelevant and out of touch.

Truth is, both sides have elements of truth as well as misguided, incomplete perspective in their convictions.

Three Vital Characteristics of Healthy Spirituality

So I thought I would evaluate this tug-of-war in the context of three vital  characteristics of Healthy Spirituality.  Can a person be spiritual without being religious, and can a person be religious without being spiritual?  Is it Either/Or (all or nothing) or Both/And?  Or Neither?

CHARACTERISTIC ONE:  Healthy Spirituality is a life of engagement and connection, not a life of isolation and alienation.  Paul Tournier, psychiatrist and author, makes the observation:  “There are two things in life you cannot do alone—be married, and be spiritual.”

Now on face value, this truth would seem to favor religion’s indictment against SBNR.  But not quite so fast.

We have to realize–and the more I spend time with people who consider themselves SBNR, the more I see this side–that there are many different ways of developing a life of engagement and connection.  Most of the SBNRs I know believe wholeheartedly in living within meaningful community and relationships.  They just do it outside of religious institutions.  They have deep connections with people where those connections are enjoyed in multiple and diverse environments–they just don’t choose to do it within churches, synagogues, or mosques.

Looking for a place to learn and partner with not necessarily belong.  I have seen, as I’ve watched the trends in spirituality and religious affiliations, that more and more people if they look to churches at all, look  to them not for providing a place to belong, but as a potential place to stimulate their spiritual growth and personal development and as potential partners in addressing the many social ills of our world.  They want to learn.  They want to partner.

But they’re not as interested in “signing up” for a place in which to build and establish all their relationships.  They want to be given tools and practices that help them experience greater life transformation but are not necessarily looking to “consume” the entire menu of services and ministries that a congregation encourages its members to engage in which often includes that church’s entire belief system.  They feel no need or desire for the whole cafeteria.

But isn’t that self-centered?  This is one of the issues that irks religious leaders and adherents.  Their indictment is, “That’s completely self-centered!”  Their point is that healthy spirituality has to be lived within community (and it usually comes down to their community) because that’s where we rub up against others who may be different than us and therefore it teaches us to learn how to relate, how to forgive, how to soften the sharp edges of our personalities and spiritual lives.

Community in different places.  The truth is, both groups believe in the importance of community facilitating healthy spirituality.  But they each look for it in different places.  Admittedly, both groups have people who think they can be loners in life and still be spiritually healthy.  Neither group is immune from this temptation.  Both need to look strategically and intentionally for community in which to learn the art of spiritual growth and spiritual health.  The point is, let’s stop judging the others’ strategy by thinking we have the exclusive environment to shape meaningful community and spiritual life.

CHARACTERISTIC TWO, Healthy Spirituality involves a particular way of relating to others and to the world.  It’s not just relating that is important, it’s how we relate.  It involves relating in love.

Just before entering the Promised Land after wandering in the wilderness for so many years, God offered the Israelites a very clear and stark choice:

“I set before you life or death, blessing or curse.  Choose life, then, so that you and your descendents may live, in the love of Yahweh your God” (Deuteronomy 30:19-20).

Notice that choosing life, from God’s perspective, is the same as choosing love.  They go hand in hand with each other.  Life and love.

Here’s the way Dr. David Benner, in his book Soulful Spirituality:  Becoming Fully Alive and Deeply Human, puts it:

“Choosing life is choosing love.  And genuine love cannot remain for long as simply love of my life.  Love of life is contagious.  It spreads to all facets of my life, and it spreads to others.  That is the nature of love.  If I really love life, I cannot help but begin to value your life as well as mine.  If I genuinely love life, I will treat all life as sacred.  If I genuinely love life, I will care for the world because I care for the generations of humans who may yet be born.”  (p. 73)

Needing a conversation centered on love.  It’s sobering to me that so much of the conversation between religious adherents and those who don’t religiously affiliate devolves into shouting matches about who’s right and who’s wrong.  There’s no genuine dialogue emanating from a place of love, honor, and respect for the Other.  Instead there’s finger pointing, judgments against the other, drawing lines in the sand where the side each is standing is the only true side.

That’s not love.  Is it?

Ironically, love is touted as the supreme value in every major religion.  And yet history is filled with examples of hate and judgment and violence against those who disagree with the accepted norm of religious allegiance.

Love not tolerance.  I’m tired of people elevating the concept of tolerance in this world.  That’s not love.  Love is compassion, caring, support, honoring, and blessing the other–not simply tolerating the other.

Healthy spirituality is about choosing to learn how to love more completely and deeply in every environment and setting of life.  And when we don’t do it well, then we ask for forgiveness, and continue learning and practicing more effective ways to love others, especially those we disagree with.

Though both groups–the SBNRs and religious adherents–elevate the experience of love as defining genuine spirituality, the track record isn’t very good about this happening effectively between them.  Both groups need to keep trying.  And both groups need to allow the other to learn the art of genuine loving wherever they choose their place of community and their style of artfulness.

CHARACTERISTIC THREE, Healthy Spirituality, which always engages in a life of love, is anti-legalism and anti-ritualism.

This is a defining characteristic.  Here’s what I mean by this.  I do not mean that healthy spirituality is against law, rules, rituals, practices.  Not quite.  Rules, rituals, and practices are tools to help facilitate a deeper transformational spiritual life.

Every religion, and people who claim no religion, engage in practices and rituals to help themselves become better human beings—like meditation, breathing, mindfulness, prayer, scripture or devotional reading, or attendance in gatherings that lead a person to a higher spiritual place where their hearts-minds-souls can be inspired and moved (be it in church services or workshops or seminars or retreats).

People who take spirituality seriously believe that it’s in relationships where we learn how to love and forgive the most effectively.  Developing healthy relationships is one of the greatest spiritual practices and rituals of all.  Relationships are our laboratory for the soul.  And the list of meaningful, effective practices is long.

“Ism-izing” spiritual practices.  What I mean by genuine love being anti-legalism and anti-ritualism is a refusal to  “worship” form over content or outcome.  In other words, when we elevate the style of practice over what the practice is suppose to accomplish in our lives we have “ism-ized” that experience.  We end up saying, “Your spiritual practice has to look like this and not look like that.”  Or “True spirituality favors our accepted, traditional method or way of stating a belief.”

I remember when I pastored traditional churches encountering some elders and deacons who believed that for the communion service to be legitimate, we had to cover the table of communion emblems (the bread and the grape juice) with a white cloth before the service, take it off during the service, and then put it back on immediately before the service concluded.  Anything short of that was sacrilegious.

And when the service was over, the unused pieces of bread and grape juice had to be disposed of in precisely the “right” way to maintain the holiness.  One church insisted on emptying the emblems into the toilet, another insisted on emptying them into a fire pit and burning it all.  Both believed equally that their method was the right one.  And if I didn’t ask for it to be done the right way, or carry it out perfectly, I was deeply criticized and judged as a “less than faithful” pastoral leader.

That is “ism-izing” a practice … where love has lost its true place in the spiritual life in favor of legalism and ritualism—when the rule or the ritual/practice supercedes the love it is suppose to generate.  We cast deep value judgments against people who act or behave or believe differently than we think is right.  We are convinced our way is the most effective way toward genuine spirituality.

Religious form instead of spiritual truth.  Jesus spoke vehemently about this tendency among the religious leaders of his day.  He exposed their “isms” when he pointed out things like “You are like whitewashed tombs–you look good on the outside, but inside you are filled with dead people’s bones–you insist on tithing even the tiniest part of your income, but ignore the weightier things of the law, like justice, mercy, and faith.”  (Matthew 23:23, 27)

Jesus was indicting a form of religiosity–legalism and ritualism–for its separation of love from law—in essence being religious without being spiritual—adhering to the letter of the law but not the spirit of it.  People were great at paying ten percent of their income–they practiced that spiritual ritual perfectly and faithfully.  But they were neglecting the actual practice or outcome of being loving with others, especially those they didn’t agree with or who were different then they.  That’s legalism and ritualism.

This is one of the biggest indictments of Church I hear from people who have disengaged from religion.

Jesus’ core value.  I’m inspired by the way the eminent Islamic scholar Khalifa Abdul Halim describes Jesus’ core value here:

“In Jesus we have the culminating point of that upward movement where God and religion are completely identified with love which has preference over all the legalism and ritualism.”

Healthy Spirituality–the kind Jesus advocated–is anti-legalism and anti-ritualism.  Jesus summarized the entire Jewish Law (in the Old Testament) with love.  “On these two commandments hang the whole Law, and the Prophets–you will love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and the first commandment.  And the second resembles it:  You must love your neighbor as yourself.”  (Matthew 5:43-44)

Healthy spirituality, both inside and outside religion, always centers on love; and the ultimate test of it being how we show up with those with whom we have our biggest disagreements.

“Just as love was the measure of his own life, so too Jesus made it the measure of human fulfillment and the supreme criterion of healthy spirituality” (David Benner, p. 73).

The only question that matters.  So the only question that truly matters—the question that helps guard against legalism and ritualism, in the end—is, Does this practice, this rule, this ritual empower me to love the Other more deeply and completely?  Does it help me to be more forgiving and honoring of all people, especially of those with whom I disagree?

Jesus truly stated the bottom line when he said, “By this will all people know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  (John 13:35)

A Church that doesn’t genuinely love, and treat with equal honor and respect, all people is actually being religious without being spiritual.  A nonreligious person that refuses to love all people is only being nonreligious without being spiritual.

It’s time for all of us, whatever our religious or nonreligious perspectives, to step into a more Healthy Spirituality as we hold ourselves accountable to genuine love for all others.

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How Good Are You at Being In the Present Moment?

Most people I talk to these days all describe their difficulty in being able to live more deeply in the present moment.  The ability to stay present at any given time is becoming a rare art.  We get caught up in the crazy and often overwhelming demands of staying alive and what we think comprises living life.  Consequently, time flies by without us ever really having lived in the moment.  And we either get fixated on the past or anxious about the future.

My last blog post told a zen story from which emerges six powerful steps to learning how to be grounded more deeply in the present.

The Parable

A monk is being chased by a ferocious tiger through the jungle.  He breathlessly comes to a clearing and is faced with a cliff right in front of him with a rope hanging over the side.  With the tiger catching up and no more options available, he quickly grabs the rope and shinnys down along the side of the cliff until he reaches the end of the rope.  He glances up and sees the tiger baring its hungry fangs.  He glances down and sees huge, sharp, jagged rocks beckoning to him 100 feet below.  What should he do?  About that time, two mice begin gnawing on the rope above him.  Now what?

Caught between a rock and a hard place, he suddenly notices something that captures his attention.  It’s a bright red, delectable-looking strawberry growing out of the side of the cliff an arm’s length away.  Hanging on to the rope with one arm and both feet, he reaches out with his other hand, plucks the strawberry, and puts it in his mouth.  Eating it, he exclaims, “This is the most delicious strawberry I believe God has ever made and I have ever tasted.  Yum, yum!”

Quick Summary of the First Three Steps

I describe the first three steps in my last blog post:  First, notice the strawberry; pay attention to what’s around you; Second, take a risk and reach for the strawberry; and Third, take it–don’t just be a spectator, get involved, participate in life right now.

But if we stopped with these three steps, we wouldn’t really be plumbing the present moment for all it can truly give to us.  The final three take us to a deeper, more fulfilling and satisfying experience.  Here are the next three steps the story describes the monk taking.

Step Four:  Eat the strawberry.

Had the monk simply hung there on the rope looking at the beautiful strawberry, or had he even just held it in his hand, admiring its beauty, he would have missed the most delightful potential of that moment.  He had to put it in his mouth and chew it.

I wonder how often we miss out on joy and delight by simply not partaking of what’s in front of us?  We’re great at analyzing and debating the pros and cons of strawberries.  We dissect the past and philosophize about the future–we’re experts with this.  But could we be missing out on the deeper experience of the present, the eating of the strawberry itself?  We stop short of putting it into our mouths and tasting it.  We can talk about it until we’re blue in the face, but if we haven’t eaten it, we really don’t know what we’re talking about.

This is why sacred scripture makes this statement:

“Taste and see that the LORD is good.”

No taste, no see, no good.  Without taste, everything else is only theory.

Step Five:  Savor the strawberry.

The fact that the monk, hanging on to the rope for dear life, is so present in his moment with the strawberry that he not only enjoys the taste but notices it enough to realize that it’s the best strawberry he’s ever tasted, shows that he has mastered the practice of savoring.

Savoring means you stay present long enough, you linger over something, that it deepens your enjoyment of it.

When is the last time you truly truly savored something?  When is the last time you stayed with an experience long enough to really really appreciate and delight in it?  When is the last time your lingering over something gave you an focused appreciation of the various nuances of delight caressing your senses in that moment?  That’s savoring.

One of the reasons more of us don’t savor is because savoring takes time in the moment.  We have to choose to invest more than a split second seeing and tasting something.  We linger and pay attention to what we’re experiencing while we’re lingering.  We develop vocabulary to describe what we’re tasting or sensing or feeling.  And that takes knowledge and awareness, both of which take time to develop.

But if we practice it, we get good at it.  And consequently our delight and enjoyment and focus deepen and widen and profoundly increase.

Step Six:  Give Thanks for the Strawberry.

This is tying the bow on the gift we’ve just received.  Expressing gratitude.  The monk, in the throes of his culinary ecstasy while hanging precariously on a rope (with tiger above and rocks below), gives thanks to the God who could create such a marvelously-tasting strawberry.

Neuroscience research informs us that expressing gratitude is the strongest, most transformational activity your brain can engage in.  Brain function becomes more balanced, harmonized, and supple; your heart begins to pump in a much more coherent and harmonious rhythm; and biochemical changes trigger a host of healthful responses throughout your body.

Studies how us that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of other benefits:

• Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure
• Higher levels of positive emotions
• More joy, optimism and happiness
• Acting with more generosity and compassion
• Feeling less lonely and isolated

What’s so amazing about this simple practice, step six in living in the present moment, is that it in the end grounds us and anchors us to the delightful moment we’ve just experienced.  It seals it for us, physiologically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It ties the bow on the gift we just received.

We could learn a great deal from that little old monk who hung there on the rope suspended between a fearful past and uncertain future.  There’s always a strawberry.  So look for it, risk a reach for it, take it, eat it, savor it, and express thanks for it.

Your present moments will never be the same again!

Personal Reflections For You:

• When you notice something good in your present moment, do you take the time to taste it, to put it your “mouth” and feel it?
• Describe an experience when you truly savored something, lingered long enough to relish the flavors or delightful nuances to your senses.
• How often do you express thanks and gratitude for your positive experiences in life–whether it’s to yourself, to others, or to God?
• Do you have a regular gratitude practice?  What or Why not?

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The Challenge of Living in the Moment

I was leading a telecall the other day with people who participated in my first spiritual retreat back in January.  At the beginning, we shared with each other brief updates about our lives–one high and one low over the last few months.  Most of us, including me, were wrestling with the challenge of how to be able to live more fully in and enjoy the present moment without being so obsessed and caught up in either the past or the future or the extreme busyness and demands of every day life.

I don’t think we’re alone in this challenge.  The ability to stay present at any given time is becoming a rare art with so many people.  We get caught up in the crazy and often overwhelming demands of staying alive and what we think comprises living life.  Consequently, time flies by without us ever really having lived in the moment.  We lose opportunities to create wonderful memories and experience deep enjoyment because we’re so focused on other things.  And not living in the moment means that we’re more likely consumed by the past or the future and whatever those two represent to us.

I shared the following story on our telecall out of which emerged during our conversation six powerful steps to being able to stay more fully present and plumb the depths of life.

A Parable

You’ve heard the zen story of the monk being chased by a ferocious tiger through the jungle.  He breathlessly comes to a clearing and is faced with a cliff right in front of him with a rope hanging over the side.  With the tiger catching up and no more options available, he quickly grabs the rope and shinnys down along the side of the cliff until he reaches the end of the rope.  He glances up and sees the tiger baring its hungry fangs.  He glances down and sees huge, sharp, jagged rocks beckoning to him 100 feet below.  What should he do?  About that time, two mice begin gnawing on the rope above him.  Now what?

Caught between a rock and a hard place, he suddenly notices something that captures his attention.  It’s a bright red, delectable-looking strawberry growing out of the side of the cliff an arm’s length away.  Hanging on to the rope with one arm and both feet, he reaches out with his other hand, plucks the strawberry, and puts it in his mouth.  Eating it, he exclaims, “This is the most delicious strawberry I believe God has ever made and I have ever tasted.  Yum, yum!”

The Parable’s Point

What’s the point?  If the monk had been totally preoccupied with the ferocious tiger (his past) or the menacing rocks below (his future) he would have missed out on the delicious strawberry (his present).  Right?

I often realize, when I’m reflective enough, that I tend to allow the guilt or regret or memories of the past to weigh in on me, which can overwhelm my present.  Or I tend to focus on the uncertainties of the future which inevitably raises my anxiety level in the present.

Why do we allow this to happen?  As one author puts it,

“The past is already gone, the future hasn’t happened yet; the only moment we have is right now.  Why waste it?”

Notice what the monk does as he finds himself caught between his past and his future which empowers him to live in the moment in a beautiful way.  Six Steps:

Six Steps to Living in the Moment

FIRST, he sees the strawberry.  He notices it.  He’s paying attention.

Do you realize how many “strawberries” you and I miss out on because we’re simply not seeing or noticing or paying attention?  You can’t enjoy what you don’t see.

SECOND, he reaches for the strawberry.

It’s one thing to see something.  It’s another thing to reach out for it, to take an action to engage with what you’re seeing.

Sounds easy enough.  But why then don’t we do this more often?

Because reaching out for the “strawberry” takes a risk.  Think about the monk.  In order to reach out for the strawberry he has to let go of the rope with one arm.  That’s risky.  Letting go is difficult.  But because he takes the risk, he ends up getting the reward.

I truly believe that nothing good in life comes to us without some risk.  You choose to love someone and you risk being hurt or rejected.  You choose

THIRD, he takes the strawberry.  You can’t just reach for something, you have to take it to enjoy it.

So much of today’s culture is a spectator culture.  People are satisfied simply sitting on the sidelines watching the game of life happen in front of them.

The tragedy with a spectator culture is that people actually delude themselves into thinking that watching is enough; that watching is the highest level of enjoyment and satisfaction.

It certainly might be safer on some levels.  If you’re in the stands watching football, you’re not getting beat up and tackled in the game.  But it’s interesting, isn’t it, that if the team we’re watching wins, we feel really really good and satisfied.  But there’s no way that feeling can match the exhilaration of the players who gave it their all in order to win the game.  Right?

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”  George Bernard Shaw

We delude ourselves into thinking that spectating is good enough for joy and satisfaction.  But we’re missing out on the deeper depths of truly worthwhile living.  We’re robbing ourselves of real living in the moment.  We can’t enjoy the strawberries unless we reach out and take them in hand.

Stay tuned for my next blog  the final three steps to plumbing the present moment for deeper joy and fulfillment.  “Six Steps to Living in the Present Moment.”

Four Personal Reflections for You:

• Which is your tendency more often:  living in the past or living in the future?  Why?  What is it about either of those that traps you there?
• Describe a time when you simply missed seeing the strawberry in the moment–you weren’t paying attention.
• What are some risks you face in order to reach out to the strawberry?  Which risks are hardest for you?
• Would you describe yourself more as a spectator or a participant?  Why?  Are there any excuses you have for watching more than participating?  What might be some fears you have of getting in the game more often?

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The Power of Sacred Space

One of the things I love about coaching is the opportunity to give people valuable space in time to think deeply about themselves and their lives, to reflect and evaluate and consider how life is going for them.  I find in every conversation that the person, given this intentional time for themselves, relishes the conversation and deeply values the privilege of having their lives witnessed by a trusted other.  After all, how often do we experience the affirmation and validation of being witnessed by someone else in a spirit of honor, respect, and caring?

I find this to be greatly true for myself.  For the last sixteen years I’ve had regular (almost weekly) conversations with my prayer partner and wonderful friend Paul.  In every phone call or at times in person when see each other, we listen deeply to each other as each one talks about what matters most these days.  There’s incredible empowerment in having someone who cares bear witness to your life and express support, acceptance, and validation, including questions that stretch each other and clarify the struggles, questions, and life issues we’re facing.

Life is Dynamic

Life is a dynamic organism.  It’s not static or staid or one dimensional.  Life grows, morphs, evolves, changes, moves, stretches, transitions in multiple ways and directions.  As people we change and grow and develop.

Spirituality is no different.  In a book I’m reading, that’s exactly the way the author, Dr. David Benner, describes it:

“Any genuinely soulful or healthy spirituality cannot simply be adopted from your family or acquired from your community or culture. It must arise as a personal response to your deepest longings and help you make sense of your actual life experiences. It will, therefore, be dynamic–evolving and changing. To turn it into something rigid and fixed is always to render it soulless, for that which is no longer evolving is either devolving or dead.”  Soulful Spirituality, pp. 76-77.

Spirituality is an Organism that Living or Dying

Spirituality is an organism, too.  It’s dynamic and evolving.  That’s because spirituality is at the heart of what it means to be fully human (as Christian theology states, we’re made in the image of God–so to center in that image is to step fully into our God-created humanity).  And since we humans change and morph and grow and evolve, so must our spirituality.

Which is why I’m more and more recognizing the absolute importance of carving out intentional time to do reflecting and evaluating of our spiritual lives and journeys.  It’s far to easy for people to simply float along, staying in a default mode of habit and routine, never thinking about how it’s going or where it needs to go or even how to grow more deeply and spiritually.

The Pitfall of Autopilot

For those of us who are attached to a regular church experience, this is a particular pitfall.  We never really evaluate our spiritual lives because we think that simply going to church as often as we do is enough.  We might engage in a few spiritual practices like prayer (at least at meals or bedtime).  But we never stop to reflect and evaluate:  am I growing more fully human, becoming a person of greater love and compassion? Am I showing up in my life with more confidence and contentment?  Am I manifesting more regularly the attributes of the highest and strongest form of life (Christian theology:  the fruit of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self control)?  What is working in our spiritual lives and what isn’t?  What is meaningful and empowering us to live with greater purpose, and what isn’t?  Where are we in the stages of faith and spirituality?  What kind of spirituality fits us in the stage we’re in?  How can we continue developing into the higher stages of spiritual growth?

As Dr. Benner reminds us, we can’t simply inherit our spirituality from our family or community or culture.  It doesn’t work that way!  The very nature of the spiritual life is that it comes from the deepest place inside each of us where God meets us and whispers to us and speaks truth to our souls and hearts.  If we’re simply too busy and preoccupied to listen or hear those whispers, then we too easily remain on autopilot, thinking that we’re doing all we need to do.

But truth is, we are either evolving and growing and transforming spiritually, or we’re dying, and we’ll ultimately pay the price in lack of meaningful living.

Just like plants have to be watered and nurtured to keep growing or they wilt and eventually die, so does our spiritual and personal life.  Development and growth must be carefully nurtured and intentionally paid attention to.

Spiritual Retreats

This is why I feel so passionate about offering spiritual retreats–a day and a half of sacred space and time for people to reflect upon and think deeply about life and the spiritual journey.  There’s no substitute for it.

Here’s a short video I made today about what I’m doing and why I’m doing this:

I want to invite you to seriously consider this opportunity.  Two locations:  Walla Walla, WA (March 22-23) and San Francisco, CA (April 5-6).  Click on either name to go to the web site for more details and registration information, including the significant Early Bird discounts available until March 10.

 

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My wife and I recently watched the Oscar-nominated movie Flight.  It’s an incredibly powerful and even disturbing story about an airline pilot (played in an Oscar-worthy performance by Denzel Washington) who is forced to come face to face with his own truth–something he’s been avoiding his whole life.  Spoiler Alert:  The powerful irony of the movie is illustrated in the final scene where he sits in his prison AA group and remarks that he’s never felt this free in his whole life.

There is something very liberating that comes from standing in your truth, embracing who you are, owning your strengths and weaknesses, your successes and failures, and being willing to look past your performance to the more foundational issue of core identity.  Where does your true value and worth come from:  the roles you play every day?  The quality of your behavior every day?  Or is there something more grounded and centered and fundamental?

Captain Whip Whitaker (Denzel Washington) gets those two realities confused.  He’s clear on his performance as an airline pilot–he’s one of the best in the industry and the story’s crisis reveals that truth.  But he has placed his identity exclusively in that role to the exclusion of admitting another truth:  his alcoholism.  And as long as he refuses to stand in that truth, his denial continues placing people, including himself, in painful harm’s way.

Captain Whitaker doesn’t experience true freedom until he finally embraces the whole truth.

So here are FOUR WAYS TO EXERCISE YOUR TRUTH MUSCLE:

Embrace the whole truth about yourself.

We all have a shadow side–that place that is trying to get heard in order to make sense of life–which often manifests itself in unhealthy, unhelpful ways.

For example, we lash out at and fight with our partners, not because we want to be jerks, but because we want to be heard, we want greater intimacy.  Unfortunately, we’ve chosen an approach that goes counter to the very thing we’re longing for and instead creates greater distance.  We maintain some addictions, not because we want to imprison ourselves in unbreakable chains and create terrible chaos and pain and suffering in our lives and everyone else’s, but because we’re hungry for belonging, a sense of worth and value, and we desire deeper, more lasting pleasure and intimacy.  Unfortunately, we’ve chosen an approach that goes counter to the very thing we’re longing for and instead creates greater distance and suffering.  We get hooked on unhealthy ways to compensate for our lack–it’s quicker, sometimes easier, but far more deeply painful.

But the whole truth is also that we have a light side in us.  We love others with good motives.  We serve others for their own good not just ours.  We develop healthy intimacy with ourselves and others.  We give with unselfish compassion and caring.  We choose delayed gratification at times for the right reasons, in the right places, in the right ways.  We show honor and respect to people, including ourselves.  We affirm and appreciate others, including ourselves.

As the great wisdom traditions describes, we are this mix of yin and yang, shadow and light, healthy and unhealthy motives, ego and soul.  Both sides are a part of us which make up the whole truth.  To deny one for the sake of the other is to cripple the whole.

Honor your Shadow side.

Our shadow side must be acknowledged and honored for what it contributes to us–the understanding of what is trying to be heard from deep within ourselves.  My cry for intimacy, or for wanting to be seen and heard and honored, or for wanting to feel the depths of life and joy and happiness, or for wanting to feel significant is a deeply human hunger and need.  We have to address these desires.  To deny them is to deny our humanness and short-circuit the goal of being fully alive as God intended.  Our goal is to learn how to dig deeper for the most basic ache inside ourselves and then to choose the most effective, healthy ways to satisfy it.

Genuine satisfaction can not be experienced until the deepest, most true hunger is identified.

How would you describe your shadow side?  How does it manifest itself?  What is your shadow saying about what’s most important to you?

By being willing to embrace your shadow and listen to it, your honoring it will facilitate your experience of your whole truth.

Learn from your Hungers.

Hungers are not bad.  Even Jesus affirmed and blessed hunger when he said in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”  (Matthew 5:6)

Having hungers is not bad.  Acknowledging them is a part of wisdom.  Understanding them leads to wholeness.

The hunger that has the most satisfaction and fulfillment, says Jesus, is the hunger for what is right, true, noble, pure, just, helpful, loving, compassionate, hopeful.  Hunger, which is the deepest, truest form of desire and want, is what must be honored and embraced.

So what do you learn about yourself from your hungers and desires?  What values do your hungers reveal are most important to you?  How do your hungers correspond to the above list of what Jesus calls the most satisfying?  What is it that you really, really, really want and how does that specific truth inform you about your whole truth?

Practice.

One of the powerful paradigms in the 12 Step Recovery program is the insistence on standing in your truth, the whole truth, and practicing it relentlessly.  That means refusing to deny the addiction and what it means to you; refusing to live in dishonesty; agreeing to name your shadow daily.  And it also means working hard to embrace the other side of your truth–learning how to feed the light side, live in it more completely and honestly, stepping into regular practices and behaviors that reinforce that part of the truth.

What are the practices you’ve developed that reinforce and solidify your experience of your truth?  Do you have daily mantras and inspirational readings that reinforce your truth?  Do you pray and meditate on it?  Do you finds creative ways to serve and give to others from a place of unselfish compassion?  Do you engage in self affirmations about who you really are, your true identity as a deeply loved and fully accepted human being by God?

In the end, as Jesus once observed, it is only the truth that sets us free.  Captain Whip Whitaker experienced that in a very dramatic way.  You and I can experience it in our own ways.  The nature of truth is that when it is honestly embraced, it is the most truly liberating and empowering experience on earth.

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I read last week a fascinating New York Times article titled “Secret Ingredient for Success.”  The authors interviewed highly successful people about what made them successful and discovered one common element.  The discovery was surprising–somewhat even counter-intuitive.  Beyond their natural talent and skill, their personalities, their strengths, their passion and vision, how hard they worked, their success came from this quality:  intentional, regular, rigorous self reflection.  Self assessment.  Self evaluation.

It’s called double loop learning.

“In this mode we question every aspect of our approach, including our methodology, biases and deeply held assumptions. This more psychologically nuanced self-examination requires that we honestly challenge our beliefs and summon the courage to act on that information, which may lead to fresh ways of thinking about our lives and our goals.”  (Camille Sweeney and Josh Gosfield)

It got me thinking about the way so many people go through life.  We just kind of float along, going with the flow, never really reflecting or thinking about life, trying to avoid obstacles as much as possible, taking the easy path as often as we can, the path of least resistance.

And even with our spirituality.  We tend to rarely think about it.  We just do whatever it is we’ve always done, never really evaluating or reflecting about it, whether or not we’re learning anything new, or whether or not it’s actually changing us into better people.  We just slide by spiritually.

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

I was especially reminded of the power of this value of self reflection last weekend.  I conducted the first of three weekend retreats called “Ignite the Fire of Your Spiritual Life.”  Our small group spend a total of 10 hours doing rigorous self-assessment and evaluation.  The purpose of this process was to give each person an opportunity to take stock of their spiritual life to determine what is working effectively and meaningfully and what isn’t.

And we engaged within community–not just doing personal reflection but also sharing some of our reflections with each other.  The process of hearing and listening and being heard and listened to is extremely powerful.  When people are willing to hold the space for us as we do our work in a way that’s safe and affirming and accepting, we are empowered to grow and transform in beautiful ways.

One of the participants texted me the next day and said, “Thank you for a breakthrough life-changing retreat–my spiritual life is already better … Can’t wait to see what more there is to come and I know it will be very good.”

That’s the impact of healthy and effective self reflection.  It comes from being willing to be intentional.  To pay attention to your life, your spirituality.  To do it honestly, authentically, transparently, participatively.

Most wisdom traditions agree on the process for enlightenment and spiritual wholeness.  Confucianism describes it as becoming fully awake, waking up to life, seeing life clearly.  According to the Li Chi, the classic Confucian guide to becoming spiritually developed,

“there must be a turning point in life when the maturing individual recognizes that simply being a human is not sufficient to becoming fully human.”

Spiritual maturity is not an automatic occurrence.  We can’t slide into spirituality.

Jesus called that conscious turning point in one’s life repentance.  “Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”  It begins with awareness, waking up to our need.  It continues with desire, seeing something better–something more–that we want.  It involves an intentional turning around to chart a new path to receive that Life.  “Wake up so you can experience the depths of God’s kingdom that is right in front of you, indeed, right inside of you,” said Jesus.

One of the poignant stories Jesus told was of the ten bridesmaids waiting through the midnight hours for the appearance of the groom.  All of them had lamps.  Five of them had enough oil for the lamps to keep burning through the night.  So that when the groom finally showed up, they were awake to be swept up into the wedding party and join the festivities.  The other five missed out.  No light.  Sleepy.

Light.  Wakefulness.  Clarity.  Awareness.

Some of the markers Dr. David Benner, in his book Soulful Spirituality, describes as identifying a mature spirituality include

“being grounded in reality and alive to the present moment, a personal philosophy that makes life meaningful, the capacity for forgiveness and letting go, inner freedom of choice and response, the capacity for reflection on experience.”  (p. 35)

These qualities don’t just suddenly show up in our lives.  They’re developed.  We awaken to them through reflection, intention, attention.  Like the five wise bridesmaids, we stock up on enough oil, we trim our lamps, light them, and use them to become fully awake to what’s happening inside us and around us.  We repent.

I’m planning two more spiritual retreat cycles this Winter/Spring; one in San Francisco again (April 5-6), and another in Walla Walla, Washington (March 22-23).  Here’s the link for the details:  “Ignite the Fire of Your Spiritual Life.”  If you want a powerful opportunity to engage in awakening your spiritual life in new and transformational ways, I invite you to check out these events.  It could be a turning point for you.

The two authors of the above New York Times article interviewed tennis great Martina Navratilova to find out the secret of her ultimate success:

“[She] told us that after a galling loss to Chris Evert in 1981, she questioned her assumption that she could get by on talent and instinct alone. She began a long exploration of every aspect of her game. She adopted a rigorous cross-training practice (common today but essentially unheard of at the time), revamped her diet and her mental and tactical game and ultimately transformed herself into the most successful women’s tennis player of her era.  What we learned from conversation with high achievers is that challenging our assumptions, objectives, at times even our goals, may sometimes push us further than we thought possible.”

I wonder why so many of us fail to engage in this kind of rigorous self reflection and self evaluation in such a vital area of life, our spirituality?  Maybe it’s because we simply don’t know how to go about doing that.  Maybe we’re afraid of failing or not achieving anything different than what we already have.  Maybe we just don’t think about it–we’re simply too busy or distracted by the rest of life.  Or maybe it’s just not that important or appealing to us.

But maybe it is time to shine the light.  Time for the secret ingredient.  Time to awaken.  Fully alive instead of sleepwalking.  The best way to success and joy!